101 Thigs You Never Thought About

101 Things You Never Thought About

(That Sooner or Later Will Come Up)

     After a series of unfortunate(and some not so unfortunate) events popped up while meandering through the lifestyle, I started to notice that we were not as prepared as we thought we were.  We had spent hours going over and re-checking our rules.  We talked exhaustively about every thing we could possibly think of and even amused ourselves at the way we thought each of these scenarios would play out.  We watched videos, listened to podcasts, read websites and talked to people who were more "experienced" than ourselves.  There were just some things that weren't ever brought up.  And if they were touched on, it was too generalized to apply it to our own situations at the time.  

     So I have complied a list that I am sure is not exhaustive, although they are things that have actually happened to us or people we know intimately.  As of right now, it is 101 things.  I was surprised that I could actually come up with 101 things so easily.  I truly only mulled these over for an hour or two and only started to slow down once I got close to that 101 mark.  And seeing as how there are thousands, if not millions of lists with 101 things that I felt I should trudge along the extra 15 or so minutes until I actually had 101 things to put my list together with.

     The intent of this list is to create conversation with you and your partner about how you would handle situations like this.  We here at swinging Kinky know that there are probably many more situations that can and should be included here.  Please feel free to email us and we will work on adding them to the list with kudos going back to you.

     (Until I have time to type out posts for each and every topic, Iwill just include the full list and add the descriptions as I have time.  Hopefully that keeps you coming back.)

1.  Male Partner Could Not Perform (Yours or Theirs) - This is a huge issue in the swinger community.  It causes issues for the guys who it happens to, to the women who feel they did something wrong or are not attractive enough, and to couples that are confused as to what to do next when it happens to them or their play partners.

     For me, it has been a little bit of everything.  I was in my 20's when I met my wife and closed our marriage for whatever reason that was back in the day.  I was still able to get an erection just walking into a room that smelled of bacon frying.  And with my wife, I never seemed to have any noticeable issues.  There were the occasional "too drunk" to perform nights or nights after a really bad fight and my head just wasn't in it, although nothing that would ever make me think I would have stage fright during a new sexual escapade.  I mean, I had never had a problem getting it up during a one night stand in college or even on my first date with my future wife(yes we fucked on our first date...funny story best told at a later time).  My wife surely didn't expect me to have issues.  My body, on the other hand, had different plans for me.  I remember that first night we went in to a private room with a sexy couple.  I had my head high, my confidence was booming and I felt like a giddy school girl on the inside.  I should have been feeling like a kid in a candy store, because that giddy school girl was fucking shy once the clothes were off.  My little friend just laid there lifeless no matter what my sexy lady friend did.  And to really throw a wrench into it for me, my wife was getting the shit fucked out of her by her more "experienced" play partner.

     I remember apologizing a thousand times and just repeating "This has never happened before" over and over again.  I was so embarrassed.  My wife unintentionally didn't make things any better.  She was just as confused and embarrassed as I was.  She didn't know if she was supposed to stop and come back to me or keep going to make her play partner happy.  We hadn't discussed what we would do if this happened.  I had always been this self proclaimed virile male sex god who could get it up when the wind blew funny.  Why would we discuss what would happen when I didn't get hard and we are both in the same room together.  We hadn't even considered a situation that the other male couldn't get hard, which is just as viable.

     What ultimately ended up happening is my sexy play partner did something completely un-sexy.  She shut down and made a fairly rude comment that to this day I have hard a hard time shaking.  It was my first experience in the lifestyle since I had been married and it was almost my last.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  Maybe medical?  Maybe I already caught an STD before I had even stuck my cock in another sexy's glistening pussy.  OMG, maybe I had testicular cancer and I just started having the symptoms.  Ok, so a lot of crazy thoughts started going through my head.  And if it weren't for my wife and a new play partner a mere thirty minutes later, I would have run out of the club screaming with my tail between my legs.  And yes, it was only thirty minutes later that I realized that it was just nerves.

     I had gone to the bar to get me and my baby girl a drink and next thing I knew my wife was grabbing me and taking me to the private rooms again, another sexy couple in tow.  I hadn't even had a chance to get to know them, yet.  Not that I was complaining too much.  Although I was.  Did she not remember what just happened.  I was physically incapable of ever getting hard again.  That was what I told my new playmate, at least.  Luckily, she had a sense of humor and calmed my nerves very quickly.  She said it happens and that as long as we relax and have fun, it didn't matter if we fucked.

     And guess what?  We fucked.  Not for a long time.  It was five or 10 minutes before Little Willy decided to go into hiding again.  Although, it was long enough for me to realize that I just needed to relax.  It really helped having an understanding play partner who was kind enough to take the pressure of fucking off the table.

     That was when we realized as a couple that we needed to discuss what we should do if either myself or my baby girl's partner, was not able to get hard.  It was difficult for her to let go when she knew I was struggling.  That in turn caused me to put pressure on myself because I wanted her to be able to let go.  For a short time, she made the rule that she would not fuck if I couldn't fuck.  That was not really fair to anyone, even though it was a very noble and caring move on her part.

     What it came down to was discussing the situation with new play partners before hand.  I didn't know when or why it would happen.  There wasn't always a logical reason.  Sometimes I got hard with new people, sometimes I didn't.  Most of the time I got hard with repeat playmates, and then sometimes I didn't.  Now, I just explain to them that it may happen, although I love to give and I will do my best to ensure we have fun as long as they are ok with things possibly not working for me.

     And when it came to her play partner not getting hard, I always left my play at just oral and hands, whether I got hard or not.  Of course that only applied when we played in the same room.  Seperately, my baby girl was the master at not making a big deal about it.  She would simply say, "You must have had a long day, it's ok if we don't fuck."  And that wouldn't be before trying her hardest with extra long blow jobs or dirty sexy talk.  She didn't give up on a guy just because he didn't stand at attention the second her bra snapped off.  And sometimes she could get it to work.  It became a challenge for her to set a nervously naked guy at ease.

     If we had discussed things previous to that happening, I don't feel it would have been as scarring for me as it was.  She definitely would not have been as confused at what do do as she was.  And now, we pride ourselves on making our play partners feel as comfortable as we would like to feel.  We leave our expectations at the door and just try to have fun no matter what happens.  That is why we do this, isn't it?
     So guys, if it happens to you, keep in mind you are not alone.  I know that is not as easy to feel when it is happening.  Trust me.  I felt like I was being stared at as the only guy to never get hard in front of a sexy lady.  And ladies, it is not your fault unless you make a big deal about it.  It is not because he does not find you sexy or that he can smell that garlic cheesy bread you ate two days before.  When we all can accept that it happens and just relax, then maybe it won't happen so often.  And besides, I love the taste of pussy way too much to give up on it just because I don't think I can fuck anymore.

2.  Separate Room Play - How Long is Too Long? - 
Have you ever noticed how time stands still when you are having amazing sex?  No matter how hard you try, there is just no possible way of telling how long it took you to have 42 orgasms in one session.  That is the unfortunate plight that I go through with having a multi-orgasmic wife.  That, and she tends to find the lone energizer bunny at every club or party that we go to.  Now, not to brag, my wife and I have amazingly long sex together.  We both take so much pride when we are able to break the other one.  Unfortunately, as my previous post stated, I don't always get hard during play with others.  So there are times that I get finished way before she does and have to wait.  Then again, I have a play partner or two that I just click with and we get lost in the sands of time as well, leaving my baby girl waiting on me.  The problem with the waiting is that unlike amazing sex time, waiting time takes ten times longer.  Then, what about when you start allowing each other to have one on ones without the other having a play partner already lined up.
     One such incident happened very early on in the lifestyle.  We actually had not had our first couple experience when I allowed her a hall pass to play with a nervous partner.  Up to that point, we had only had mfm threesomes, so we had been together every second during play since we started fucking other people.  Up to that point, we both were on the same amazing sex time.  Our clocks had not needed to be adjusted.  No timers had been needed.  We entered the room together, played together and then left the room together.  There had been no need to even think about how long was too long when we played separately.  Until this one time, at a swingers club, my wife put another guys cock in her pussy...for three hours.  really, it was three hours.  And remember waiting time?  Yeah, it felt like 30 hours.  I felt like I had been living in the lobby of this club.  It was a dead night at the club so I did not even have anyone attractive to leer at creepishly nor did I have anyone interesting to talk to.  I just had my thoughts and feelings being played over and over in my head for 30 hours.  It wasn't her fault.  I told her to go have fun.  She had my blessing.  And she was on amazing sex time with a guy she had a crush on for a year before we stepped into the lifestyle.  Time for her, stood still.  So when she came out smiling and saw me red faced and arms crossed, she knew it was going to be a long night.
     The fight that ensued after that was epic.  I think it lasted a week.  It was a fight that should have never happened.  We should have discussed appropriate time limits.  Not because we want to cap off great sex, we just had to be more aware of each other and what they could be feeling if left alone for a long period of time while the other was having fun.  This does not apply to everyone since everyone swings differently, although there are situations that could come up even if you are playing together.
     There was a time that my lovely wife gave a guy a 45 minute blow job because she was pretty much done, although I was still going strong.  I should have recognized that no one enjoys giving head for 45 minutes straight, no matter how much she may enjoy sucking cock.
     The moral of the stories are, discuss with each other how long is too long.  If you play together, have a word that tells each other it is time to wrap it up.  If you play separately, maybe set a timer for an agreed upon amount of time.  For a while, we chose to limit our play time to 45 minutes.  Then after a while we kept lengthening that time until we are at the point now that time is no longer an issue.  Also, ask your play partners if they have any time concerns.  Just remember, time is not always on your side.

3.  Taking One For The Team

4.  Having to Say "No"

5.  Bi-Expectations

6.  Drunk Play Partners

7.  Creepy Guys(And gals)

8.  Couple Shutdown

9.  Fights

10.  Jealousy

11.  Envy

12.  Rude People

13.  Unreasonable Requests

14.  STD's and STI's

15.  Seeing Your Partner Let Go and Really Enjoy Themselves

16.  Male is "Bigger" Than You(or vice versa)

17.  One Partner Enjoys, The Other Doesn't

18.  NRE/NSE

19.  Newbies

20.  Gossip

21.  Play Partners Have More Experience or Talent

22.  Recreational Drugs

23.  Play Partners Play Differently Than You Do

24.  Confusion

25.  You Percieve Your Partners Playmate as Being Mora Attractive Than You Are

26.  One Partner Gets More Attention Than the Other

27.  Open Play Spaces

28.  Feeling Obligated

29.  Rule Breaking

30.  Overly Flirty Play Partners

31.  Being Rejected

32.  Leaving Your Mark (Bruises, Bites and Scratches)

33.  Your Partner Having Different Kinks Than You That They Want To Explore With Someone Else

34.  "Scaring" Newbies With Your Experience

35.  First Club Experience

36.  Attachment

37.  "Breaking Up"

38.  Playmate Breaking Your Rules

39.  Taking A Break

40.  One Partner Likes It Rough and the Other Doesn't

41.  Sharing Toys

42.  Barebacking Without Consent

43.  The Condom Broke

44.  Female Ejaculation (aka: Squirting)

45.  Low Body Image

46.  First House Party

47.  Not Interested On A "First Date"

48.  What You Eat Before Play Can Come Back To Haunt You

49.  Preparation For Group Play

50.  Hosting A Party do's and don'ts

51.  Playing in Threesomes, Foursomes and Moresomes

52.  Dissappointment

53.  Meet n Greets, Clubs & Parties in Which No One There is Your Type

54.  Why Aren't They Taking the Hint?

55.  Taking Play to The Next Level - Friendships, Relationships and Kink

56.  Hurt Feelings

57.  When it All Becomes Just a Little "Too Much"

58.  Dry Spells

59.  Revisiting Your Rules - Outgrowing From Where You Started

60.  When It Has Lost It's Splendor

61.  Being Cancelled On

62.  When Everything Goes Wrong

63.  Being "Broken" or "out of Commission"

64.  Injured On The Play

65.  Coming Out

66.  Sexting

67.  Over the Top Sex Noises

68.  I Didn't Know You Liked That?!

69.  Deal Breakers

70.  Talking to Your Partner About Your Kinks

71.  What's That In MY ASS?

72.  Dirty Talk From A Playmate

73.  Shy People

74.  Play Partner Didn't Finish

75.  When A Playmate Uses The "L" Word

76.  Having to End Play Early

77.  Religion and Politics

78.  Trying To re_Create Something New You Learned

79.  When Was That Picture Taken?  Updating Online Profiles

80.  You Obviously Didn't Read My Profile

81.  Smokers

82.  Horrible Hygiene

83.  Unconventional Play Spaces

84.  Blurred Judgement and the Walk of Shame

85.  Play Partners Who Talk

86.  Temptation When Your Partner Is Not Around

87.  Wanting Sex All of the Time

88.  Staying Overnight

89.  When One Partner is Sick

90.  Public Displays of Affection

91.  Realizing a possible play partner is not compatible - Is it Too Late?

92.  Cheating Play Partner

93.  Dishonesty

94.  We Have a Failure to Communicate

95.  Having an Off Day

96.  Selfish Play Partners

97.  Your Sex Life Gets Better

98.  Wow!  We Have Never Communicated This Good

99.  Distrust Without a Reason

100.  Where Did You Learn That?

101.  Should We Call It Quits?