Accidental Anniversary

     We are about to enter our third year into the lifestyle.  And as much as we would love to say that it has been two years of smoothe sailing with tons of debaucherous fun, we are like most loving progressive swingers in that it is just as rocky as a monogamous relationship.  Yes, I compared us to the breeders.  All relationships have their ups and downs.  Monogamous couples have issues, too.
     I remember the dark ages when my lovely wife and I would fight over just about everything.  It wasn't because we weren't compatible or didn't love each other.  We are just two completely different people.  I am very logical and can push "feelings" so far back that they can often be very hard to find.  My wife is quite the opposisite.  She is very emotional and constantly wears her heart on her sleeve.  The biggest problem we had was that we truly did not know how to communicate with each other.  Small things became big things which became almost life-changing things.  Our sex life dwindled.  Our understanding of each other was almost non-existent.  For that reason we fought.
    Believe it or not, though, I am glad we fought.  It was the fighting that showed we had fight left.  We never stopped loving each other, we stopped knowing each other.  That was the piece of the puzzle that we needed to find.
     I am happy to say that swinging was never an answer or even an option to help us find that puzzle piece.  We happened into the lifestyle completely on accident.  We had never considered finding someone new or cheating or even "swapping" partners.  We just kept trudging along hoping that our relationship would just fix itself with time.
     In January of 2010, I was coming up on my 40th birthday.  At the time, we were room mates with an older, gay couple who were suprisingly conservative.  Their room was directlty across for ours, which made us very uncomfortable to not only let go during sex, we were uncomfortable in having sex at all.  That was the perfect set up to accidentally become ethically non-monogamous.
     We both agreed that the living situation had really caused our sex life to dwindle and also cause additional issues with each other.  In an attempt to bring the spark back to sexy time, I asked to go to a local swingers club for my birthday.  I can honestly say it was completely innocent.  I have always been a practical person, so I saw it as cheaper than getting a hotel room just to have sex.  It was a rather inexpensive night to try the club($40, I believe) and it included a buffet.  I justified it as a sexy date night where we could allow the atmosphere to turn us on and we could enjoy each other without restraint.  We had not even discussed the posibility of playing with people other than possibly a single female for her enjoyment.  Even that was beyond our comfort level.
     I was surprised when she actually agreed to let me take her.  And her reason was pretty much the same as mine.  She missed being intimate with me and being able to let go enough to truly enjoy our experience.  So the date was made.  And we didn't fight about it.  In fact, we started talking about it.  We actually were communicating.  We anxiously were awaiting that sexy date.  The day our relationship would change.
     We shared time together the week prior, going out shopping, looking for sexy outfits for our sexy date.  We hadn't even gone to the club yet and we were already excited to do things together again.  We were a little nervous as well, although we allowed ourselves to talk about that.  We were re-discovering each other.
    When the night arrived, we were even more nervous.  We were so nervous that we got ready two hours early and had to go to the mall just to walk around to keep our minds busy.  We almost backed out once or twice.  We just kept talking and calming each other until the moment we finally walked through the door.  At that instant, a switch that had been hidden so deep within our bodies, switched on.  Both of us felt safe, comfortable and alive.  We held hands like we meant it.  We kissed like we just met.  And that night, we had sex like the world was about to end.
     We were not swingers.  We were lovers re-defining the direction we wanted our relationship to go.  We talked openly about our wants and desires and why we had been at each others throats for the last 10 years.  Why those fights never meant we didn't love each other, just that we needed something different than what we had.  That did not mean we wanted other people.  We wanted to be who we were as individuals and finally found a way to express that.  And believe it or not, we were on the same page.
    Before we left the club that night, we found ourselves extending our membership to the club based soley on how we felt for each other at that very moment.  We did not know what we wanted from the club.  We didn't know how often we would go back.  We still didn't even know if we would use it for anything more than a sexy night out with each other.
     Skipping forward two years and a lot of "communication" later, we are just like monogamous couples, just having our ethically non-monogamous fun.  We still have to work to survive.  We still have to pay bills, shop for groceries and take out the garbage.  And we still fight.  It is not the lifestyle we fight about, at least for the most part.  We had those fights and everyone who is new into the lifestyle will.  Even veterans to non-monogamy will fight.  We have the same fights that monogamous couples have.
     The difference is that accidentally becoming swingers changed us for the better.  Even though the last two years had it's ups and downs, we became closer.  Our sex life has gone through the roof and we look forward to seeing each other every day.  We talk through our problems better than we ever did in the past.  We still have a ways to go for it to be perfect, although is there really such a thing as a perfect relationship?  Above all, we know who we are as individuals and as a couple.  And the fun we have had along the way has been epic.
     After 12 years together and and 2 years in the lifestyle, this is the first time that I feel we are going in the right dirction for a healthy, life-long lasting relationship.
     Happy anniversary, Baby Girl.

2. Seperate Room Play - How Long Is Too Long?

Have you ever noticed how time stands still when you are having amazing sex?  No matter how hard you try, there is just no possible way of telling how long it took you to have 42 orgasms in one session.  That is the unfortunate plight that I go through with having a multi-orgasmic wife.  That, and she tends to find the lone energizer bunny at every club or party that we go to.  Now, not to brag, my wife and I have amazingly long sex together.  We both take so much pride when we are able to break the other one.  Unfortunately, as my previous post stated, I don't always get hard during play with others.  So there are times that I get finished way before she does and have to wait.  Then again, I have a play partner or two that I just click with and we get lost in the sands of time as well, leaving my baby girl waiting on me.  The problem with the waiting is that unlike amazing sex time, waiting time takes ten times longer.  Then, what about when you start allowing each other to have one on ones without the other having a play partner already lined up.
     One such incident happened very early on in the lifestyle.  We actually had not had our first couple experience when I allowed her a hall pass to play with a nervous partner.  Up to that point, we had only had mfm threesomes, so we had been together every second during play since we started fucking other people.  Up to that point, we both were on the same amazing sex time.  Our clocks had not needed to be adjusted.  No timers had been needed.  We entered the room together, played together and then left the room together.  There had been no need to even think about how long was too long when we played separately.  Until this one time, at a swingers club, my wife put another guys cock in her pussy...for three hours.  really, it was three hours.  And remember waiting time?  Yeah, it felt like 30 hours.  I felt like I had been living in the lobby of this club.  It was a dead night at the club so I did not even have anyone attractive to leer at creepishly nor did I have anyone interesting to talk to.  I just had my thoughts and feelings being played over and over in my head for 30 hours.  It wasn't her fault.  I told her to go have fun.  She had my blessing.  And she was on amazing sex time with a guy she had a crush on for a year before we stepped into the lifestyle.  Time for her, stood still.  So when she came out smiling and saw me red faced and arms crossed, she knew it was going to be a long night.
     The fight that ensued after that was epic.  I think it lasted a week.  It was a fight that should have never happened.  We should have discussed appropriate time limits.  Not because we want to cap off great sex, we just had to be more aware of each other and what they could be feeling if left alone for a long period of time while the other was having fun.  This does not apply to everyone since everyone swings differently, although there are situations that could come up even if you are playing together.
     There was a time that my lovely wife gave a guy a 45 minute blow job because she was pretty much done, although I was still going strong.  I should have recognized that no one enjoys giving head for 45 minutes straight, no matter how much she may enjoy sucking cock.
     The moral of the stories are, discuss with each other how long is too long.  If you play together, have a word that tells each other it is time to wrap it up.  If you play separately, maybe set a timer for an agreed upon amount of time.  For a while, we chose to limit our play time to 45 minutes.  Then after a while we kept lengthening that time until we are at the point now that time is no longer an issue.  Also, ask your play partners if they have any time concerns.  Just remember, time is not always on your side.

1. Male Partner(Yours or Theirs) Could Not Perform

(Part of the series "101 Things You Never Thought About".  As I start uploading these, I will also have a separate page dedicated to all of these in on spot.)

This is a huge issue in the swinger community.  It causes issues for the guys who it happens to, to the women who feel they did something wrong or are not attractive enough, and to couples that are confused as to what to do next when it happens to them or their play partners.

     For me, it has been a little bit of everything.  I was in my 20's when I met my wife and closed our marriage for whatever reason that was back in the day.  I was still able to get an erection just walking into a room that smelled of bacon frying.  And with my wife, I never seemed to have any noticeable issues.  There were the occasional "too drunk" to perform nights or nights after a really bad fight and my head just wasn't in it, although nothing that would ever make me think I would have stage fright during a new sexual escapade.  I mean, I had never had a problem getting it up during a one night stand in college or even on my first date with my future wife(yes we fucked on our first date...funny story best told at a later time).  My wife surely didn't expect me to have issues.  My body, on the other hand, had different plans for me.  I remember that first night we went in to a private room with a sexy couple.  I had my head high, my confidence was booming and I felt like a giddy school girl on the inside.  I should have been feeling like a kid in a candy store, because that giddy school girl was fucking shy once the clothes were off.  My little friend just laid there lifeless no matter what my sexy lady friend did.  And to really throw a wrench into it for me, my wife was getting the shit fucked out of her by her more "experienced" play partner.

     I remember apologizing a thousand times and just repeating "This has never happened before" over and over again.  I was so embarrassed.  My wife unintentionally didn't make things any better.  She was just as confused and embarrassed as I was.  She didn't know if she was supposed to stop and come back to me or keep going to make her play partner happy.  We hadn't discussed what we would do if this happened.  I had always been this self proclaimed virile male sex god who could get it up when the wind blew funny.  Why would we discuss what would happen when I didn't get hard and we are both in the same room together.  We hadn't even considered a situation that the other male couldn't get hard, which is just as viable.

     What ultimately ended up happening is my sexy play partner did something completely un-sexy.  She shut down and made a fairly rude comment that to this day I have hard a hard time shaking.  It was my first experience in the lifestyle since I had been married and it was almost my last.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  Maybe medical?  Maybe I already caught an STD before I had even stuck my cock in another sexy's glistening pussy.  OMG, maybe I had testicular cancer and I just started having the symptoms.  Ok, so a lot of crazy thoughts started going through my head.  And if it weren't for my wife and a new play partner a mere thirty minutes later, I would have run out of the club screaming with my tail between my legs.  And yes, it was only thirty minutes later that I realized that it was just nerves.

     I had gone to the bar to get me and my baby girl a drink and next thing I knew my wife was grabbing me and taking me to the private rooms again, another sexy couple in tow.  I hadn't even had a chance to get to know them, yet.  Not that I was complaining too much.  Although I was.  Did she not remember what just happened.  I was physically incapable of ever getting hard again.  That was what I told my new playmate, at least.  Luckily, she had a sense of humor and calmed my nerves very quickly.  She said it happens and that as long as we relax and have fun, it didn't matter if we fucked.

     And guess what?  We fucked.  Not for a long time.  It was five or 10 minutes before Little Willy decided to go into hiding again.  Although, it was long enough for me to realize that I just needed to relax.  It really helped having an understanding play partner who was kind enough to take the pressure of fucking off the table.

     That was when we realized as a couple that we needed to discuss what we should do if either myself or my baby girl's partner, was not able to get hard.  It was difficult for her to let go when she knew I was struggling.  That in turn caused me to put pressure on myself because I wanted her to be able to let go.  For a short time, she made the rule that she would not fuck if I couldn't fuck.  That was not really fair to anyone, even though it was a very noble and caring move on her part.

     What it came down to was discussing the situation with new play partners before hand.  I didn't know when or why it would happen.  There wasn't always a logical reason.  Sometimes I got hard with new people, sometimes I didn't.  Most of the time I got hard with repeat playmates, and then sometimes I didn't.  Now, I just explain to them that it may happen, although I love to give and I will do my best to ensure we have fun as long as they are ok with things possibly not working for me.

     And when it came to her play partner not getting hard, I always left my play at just oral and hands, whether I got hard or not.  Of course that only applied when we played in the same room.  Seperately, my baby girl was the master at not making a big deal about it.  She would simply say, "You must have had a long day, it's ok if we don't fuck."  And that wouldn't be before trying her hardest with extra long blow jobs or dirty sexy talk.  She didn't give up on a guy just because he didn't stand at attention the second her bra snapped off.  And sometimes she could get it to work.  It became a challenge for her to set a nervously naked guy at ease.

     If we had discussed things previous to that happening, I don't feel it would have been as scarring for me as it was.  She definitely would not have been as confused at what do do as she was.  And now, we pride ourselves on making our play partners feel as comfortable as we would like to feel.  We leave our expectations at the door and just try to have fun no matter what happens.  That is why we do this, isn't it?
     So guys, if it happens to you, keep in mind you are not alone.  I know that is not as easy to feel when it is happening.  Trust me.  I felt like I was being stared at as the only guy to never get hard in front of a sexy lady.  And ladies, it is not your fault unless you make a big deal about it.  It is not because he does not find you sexy or that he can smell that garlic cheesy bread you ate two days before.  When we all can accept that it happens and just relax, then maybe it won't happen so often.  And besides, I love the taste of pussy way too much to give up on it just because I don't think I can fuck anymore.

Coming soon

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